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5:37 p.m. :: 2008-11-29
It�s hard to write when you wake up depressed though. I feel like a mountain of shit. I�m a landfill of misery or something. I feel this terrible ache where I ought to feel compassion and love towards Corvier. My chest has that awful sinking, heavy sensation... I feel like my face is frozen in a knot. Last night I had to consciously keep relaxing my face so that I could sleep.
I feel so completely betrayed. My last drops of hope are all used up and now there is nothing but desolation and loss. No more reading game informer side by side... No more digital painting to anime music while he 3D models with maya or z-brush... No more sketching side by side, complimenting and critiquing each other�s work.
Now I�m either feeling sick to my stomach or I just started to get cramps. I�m not thrilled either way. He didn�t even say goodbye to me this morning...
Last night was petty and stupid, but nonetheless, what happened was important...
Just remembered my dream. I was in a local fountain, it was nice and warm and everyone was putting their feet in the water. This fountain was huge, with many layers of water falling from one large compartment into another, each compartment close enough to the one it�s falling into to just step right into. Some large design including rock statues. I was trying to move quickly for some reason and a gust of wind caught me so forcefully I was forced to run along the slippery fountain floor and then to jump over breaks between one compartment and another and to catch myself on a statue. I know there was more, but that�s the part I remember clearly. That, and my father was there and when I told him what had happened, he doubted me, which made me very angry, and sad.
I find myself crying for such short bouts that I don�t realize I�ve cried until it�s over. I�ll sob once, one to three tears will fall, my body will quiver, and then I�m wiping it away, thinking about something else, so accustomed to willing myself to think about something else...
