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6:11 p.m. :: 2008-11-30
I feel like an ass.
Where do I go from here? No matter how much I think about how pleasing parts of my past with Corvier were, there is no going back there. Corvier doesn�t believe he owes me anything. He doesn�t believe I�m worth the �work.� He doesn�t even believe that I�m honest or that I have practiced what I�ve preached towards him. He doesn�t believe I�ve forgiven him for anything he�s ever done. He claims he�s heard me say it all before, and yet he doesn�t understand any of it. He places no value on the things he says to me. He doesn�t believe he has an anger problem. He refuses to make me more than a third or fourth priority in his life. He won�t do anything for me that he can�t see benefitting himself in the near future; in other words, pleasing me doesn�t please him; not even foreplay! For gods sakes, why can�t I just declare the whole thing helpless and useless and just move on? Why can�t I forget that he�s been my best friends for so long?
Why do I still care? What kind of fucking idiot am I? Do I have to wait for him to steal from me like Tre did to wake up? By the gods, that wasn�t even enough? Remember that? I had to be sure he was the one stealing from me. It had to be obvious. And ever then I hoped he would confess to it, that he would change! Am I retarded?
I don�t want to never see him again! There were so many things we were going to do together! So much art to create! So much to learn together... So many common interests! Why, why, why isn�t it worth it to him? Have I not been the same thing to him all along? Have I not been as important? Have I not ever...
Well I was wearing eyeliner and eyeshadow. Not anymore.
