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6:40 p.m. :: 2009-03-06
A letter to him:
Tears, as you know, flow like a never ending waterfall for me. Especially when watching this most recent episode of Buffy. Not only am I not watching it with you, and not only am I watching it alone, but Riley's and Buffy's issues are coming to a head. I couldn't even finish watching the episode because it reminds me so much of us. But that's not the interesting part, that isn't why I'm writing you this. I'm not even writing you this to vent, I'm trying, as always, to help... Though undoubtedly I suck at helping.
Consider Buffy with Angel. She gave him everything, and he gave her everything, and they both got burned. Afterward, Buffy doesn't know how to open up. She loves Riley, but she doesn't confide in him, she doesn't put her 100% in to him. She refuses to open herself all the way because she's so afraid of getting hurt again. She has sex with him, she holds him, she talks to him, but she doesn't confide in him, she doesn't let him into her thoughts, she doesn't bring him into her most intimiate life moments; she holds him at a distance...
Throughout our entire relationship that's how I've felt about you towards me. The lack of trust. The belief that I was lying to you. The unwillingness to share with me all sorts of things that happened throughout your day. I'd ask what's wrong, and you'd say "nothing" or "I don't want to talk about it." I've never felt like you were mine. I've never felt like I could fully claim you. You've never trusted me, and after a while, I began to wonder why. What's wrong with me?
Now I see, it's not what's wrong with me. You're closed off because of Brianna still. Admit that to yourself. Don't let the denial end your next relationship before it even begins. The next time a girl falls in love with you; put everything into her. You have to try, you have to risk, you have to be willing to be burned if you're ever going to be truely loved. If you want a family, then you have to trust; you have to give all of yourself.
(As a side note: Perhaps if you gave all of yourself in other ways you wouldn't feel so much need for sex. You're an artist Corvier! You can draw out your love in beautiful pictures. You can show it in cooking, in a massage, in words, and even in silence. Letting someone in is all about expressing what's inside you, just like sex is.)
Consider this; I opened the door for you... I trusted you, and I got my tit smashed, and my back bruised. Worse than that, every last hope within me was completely ruined. But what if when I had opened that door you were waiting for me, ready to finally open up and give me all of yourself? If I had not trusted you in that moment, and you had been waiting to give me what I had always wanted, then it would have past me by.
Yeah, this hurts like hell. Yes, I feel like a used idiot. Yes, I'm alone and miserable. But I can go to bed at least knowing that I gave you every chance. I can rest my mind when it starts going insane by reminding myself that I did give you my all; that I did try everything. I don't think you have that luxury; and perhaps this is harder on you because you know you could have done more.
Consider that you still got hurt despite not fully trusting me; despite not fully letting me in. You don't have to admit that you're hurting to me. I know that you are because you can't be hurting any less than I am. I'm just afraid that you're not going to find what you want in life because of your pride.
I know my opinion means shit to you, so perhaps you should seek other's council; but I believe you should hold honor, respect, love, kindness, compassion, loyalty and truth far above pride. Pride is barely a step above hate, anger and denial.
If you remember nothing else I've said, remember this: You become what you hate. And knowing that, do you really want to hate anything?
I'm writing you this as an insight. If your pride is too powerful to let you take this in... Then there is really nothing more I can do.
Do I regret trusting you? No, honestly, I don't. I'm very sorry that things have gone to such an insane level, but I do not regret loving you. I do not regret giving you every chance to show me your colors. Hopefully someday, when you're ready, you'll give a worthy woman everything you've got inside you, and she'll accept it, return it, and give you a family: something you can be shamelessly proud of.
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